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Grief and Loss- by Laura-Jane Waterhouse

When we think of grief, we automatically link this with a bereavement and whilst this is bereavement, bereavement also means a ‘loss of something’

By this, I mean the loss of a job, independence, home, friendship/partnership etc

We have all experienced loss. When working with grief and our clients we work with the stages they have or will experience, I often ask them to think of the following scenario:

‘It is Monday morning, you have overslept, in a rush and cannot find your keys…. think of the feelings you experience…..’

Denial: “Oh god I can’t believe I can’t find them!”

Anger: “Of all the days for this to happen! When I’m in a rush as well!!”

Bargaining: “Please let me have not lost them completely, I’ll do anything to find them…I’m late!”

Depression: “This is so bad….I can’t believe I’m in this situation”

Acceptance: “Well that’s it I’ll just have to use my spare and look later”

We all know after we’ve gone through these frustrating emotions that they are in fact in a really obvious place after all! Happens to the best of us!

The reason I ask clients to do this, is to help them relate to these feelings in a more recognisable/normal way, one they recognise and accept. It often helps normalise for them the feelings they are experiencing.

When faced with loss we can isolate ourselves because we feel so alone in the grief that it is difficult to feel understood. 

So, the questions I ask myself are these…. How can we reach out and be understood? and how can we reach out and understand?

What should I do if I am going through a bereavement?

Be selective over who you share your grief and vulnerability with, pick a few good people who you trust will listen and try to understand, think about those around you who have reached out to you before, who you have positive listening experiences with.

Seek professional help- speak to your GP or a Counsellor

How can we reach out and understand when others are experiencing loss?

Simply be there for the person experiencing grief giving support where it is required and expressed

Listen and validate peoples’ feelings and experiences, people can struggle with validation as we can feel as though by saying for example, “I can see how painful this is” that we are highlighting the pain and making it worse, when in fact we are highlighting the pain and showing that the person struggling is being seen!

I found that it was documented for those in grief to also try and be mindful of their listeners’ needs, expect discomfort and misunderstanding and recognise that in some cases you yourself may be educating a person in what support you need.